Flying Solo

“I love people. I love my family… but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up.” – Pearl S. Buck

We have an older neighbor that always takes separate vacations from her husband. They have been married a long time and I have never seen them drive away together in their car... never once… morning, day or night. For the most part, I think they lead separate lives along with taking separate vacations. There are all types of working marriages. They seem happy so why cast judgment.

Jeanine and I are a bit more clingy. Perhaps it comes with the territory of being two women or maybe it has more to do with me being a recovering co-dependent. In this relationship I’ve tried to be better. Time apart is healthy. It actually comes naturally with my work because I travel so often, but we’ve also found that spending some intentional time apart is healthy.

Jean Chatzky wrote an article in Money magazine last month called: Spouses Gone Wild! Why Solo Play is Okay. She writes, “While marriage experts encourage independent activity, it invariably raises financial questions, among others. When one spouse spends money on a weekend in Vega, hockey tickets or a dinner with friends, does the other get an equivalent splurge?”

At The Wall Street Journal, Jeff Opdyke gave his number one ground rule for separate vacations. He says, “Rule No. 1: A solo vacation cannot come at the expense of a family vacation. You can’t run off to the Canadian Rockies if doing so means you and your spouse can’t afford a vacation together. The same holds for vacation days: You can’t spend all yours on a solo adventure if it means your spouse won’t get a vacation with you as a result.”

We live by this rule in our house. Jeanine went to New York City last year for five days with her ex-girlfriend (yes, lesbians do this sort of thing – straight people can’t quite understand why ex-lovers stay close, but they do – it must be in the lesbian handbook) and I went off to Esalen for a weekend with one of my closest friends. But we also took a weeklong vacation to Jackson Hole together and we’ve had plenty of other weekend get-a-ways.

Never done this before… flying solo? eHow gives some steps:

1. “Talk to your spouse. A separate vacation is fine, but unless you’re aiming for a divorce, it should be a joint decision. If your spouse is adamantly opposed to a night-clubbing weekend with your mostly single friends, don’t push it. You both need to be on safe ground to make this getaway an enjoyable one.

2. “Travel with a friend. Rediscover what it’s like to be one of the girls or guys instead of someone’s husband or wife.”

3. “Take this opportunity to go somewhere your spouse would never go. Revisit long-held dreams and take a walk on the wild side.”

4. “Indulge yourself. Eat and drink what you want when you want.”

“When you see each other every day, you may fail to see each other at all. Separate vacations help you become your own person again -- the one your spouse fell in love with.”